I have been meaning to post for some time now but could not come up with anything good to say.

The other day it struck me that I was wasting my time. Not that I should not be doing a Master's, but that since I was in this program, I should 100% focused on it because it is my job. I have taken the freedom I have because I am in an academic context and used it to drink too much, sleep too late and spend time playing simple video games in the office. After the let down that I got from midterms, and the respite from the post midterms parties, I guess I felt a bit of an emptyness. An existential freedom that I did not want to face. I was humbled by my performance and questioned whether I even belonged here in the first place. Since leaving is not an option, escape became the default. Escape from the lonliness I have felt for the last few months, escape from the courses I don't understand, escape from the uncertainty I feel about the future. I spent more time in the company of debaters who respect me for being a grad student and give me an alternative social context to the 49 people doing MAs in economics. I thought about going back to Vancouver over the break and the people I want to see there. I think about Rae and how my life would be different if she were here with me...

Now, exams are less than two weeks away and I know I have no more time to waste. I will bite the bullet and study econometrics until I understand it, and then I will move on to micro and finance. My motivation will be that this is my job and it is damn better than the last job I had and if I screw this up I can't expect to get anything better.

Tough times... Midterms did not go well... the Goldman Sachs interview didn't either. These last few weeks have been hard. I feel like my inteligence is failing me. The pressure is building and there is no release. I was just in the library for six or seven hours, until 1am on a friday night to do an assignment and I think I only got one of the questions right... I will need to spend at least five more hours on this assignment just to get it done and that is all before monday. Then I have to do the econometrics assignment for Wednesday...

This week has not been very productive. I started with good intentions, but between procrastination, interview preparation, and nervousness over my interview, I did not manage to get much done. I must have been stressing for nothing because I did not get the job. At least I went to the gym for the first time this year... something somewhat productive...

The Goldman Sachs interview was quite a learning experience. They didn't ask any hard questions, but they payed close attention to my answers. The questions seemed to boil down to three types. The first were questions to evaluate what sort of person I am, to give me an opportunity to present myself. I think I did a fairly good job of doing this, of giving them an idea of who I am. The second type of questions were about why I wanted to work there and this type also included questions that gaged whether I really wanted to be there and whether I understood what the job was. As I was not completely thrilled with working in operations, I think I failed largely in convincing the interviewers that this is something that I really wanted to do and that I was enthusiastic about. I tried to keep the smile and the positive attitude, but there were several instances where I made mistakes in this regard. The final sort of questions were ones about my previous experience. Mostly, they were interested in my CIBC experience because it was my most recent job and it was the one which has most in common with the position I was interviewing for. I don't know exactly what they were looking for so I might have made some mistakes on this part aswell. In the end, I was not surprised that they did not take me.

Even though it was not my dream job, being part of the interview process with Goldman Sachs was a great feeling. Such a sense of possibility, that I could be a part of that, that I could start a new life in Hong Kong with them. Realisticaly, I knew it was a long shot and that it was not what I really wanted to do. Hopefully I can find a job that uses my skills to do something that I enjoy... maybe that is too much to ask.

The midterms kicked my ass. I should have known better than to take micro and econometrics in the same semester, especially in the first semester. They have always been my weakest classes and so I should not be so surprised that the midterms went as they did. On the other hand, it was a major bruising to the ego and has given me a real fear about being able to finish this program. I just hope that they won't fail me... What I learned most from my midterms is that grad school is a major leap from undergrad in terms of what is expected of students. Moderate studying is not enough, they expect, and test for, serious continuous studying of all the material covered and suggested in class. Of course, classes are much more intense and go at a crazy pace. It does not take much to fall behind. I have decided that next semester I will try to give myself an easier time so that I don't go crazy. I don't know if that is really possible though as each class has its share of work.

Thankfully there is only just over one more month of school until this semester is over. If I can make it through exams all right I will be so happy...