I went to work today. It was interesting. Well... it was the same as it always is. I started the day by counting how many more work days until September and then thought about whether I should just quit my job once I find out whether I can get a student loan. I decided that I probably should so that I can at least enjoy some part of the summer without the fatigue, frustration, and soul crushing boredom of my 9-5. The problem is that I don't know how much money I can get as a loan and I don't really know how much living in Kingston will cost.

I don' t know if I am still getting anything out of my job. Seeing the appraisals is cool, but it is a relatively minor part of my day and anyway most of them are for cookie cutter homes in suburban Alberta. The work environment is really getting to me. It is so static. In my cubicle, I am surrounded by people with whom I have very little in common. No matter how well I sleep, I am worn out by the end of the day. Not physically worn out, but somehow I am mentally dulled and weary. Going home provides some comfort but also tension in being stuck between my attention craving mother and my detached and withdrawn father. The apartment is no longer mine in any way that matters other than my continued right to sleep here.

Things have not been going well with Rae either. I have been finding that she has been bailing on our plans and spending most of her time with her friends without even thinking of inviting me along. Now she has friends visiting from Taiwan and she is showing them all the fun stuff without me. Maybe she is sending me a message.

I saw Blair yesterday. An old friend, Harry, has just moved here from Sydney and we took him to a punk bar that had a half pipe in it. He was very impressed and skated well. Seeing him also highlighted for me how much I have changed in the seven years since I have been here.

I had lunch with Noah today. He is having girl problems too, but different ones than mine. He is also bored with his job and has been trying to find something else. I think Vancouver is a hard city in which to find good work. There is plenty of work, just not that much that I am both qualified for and interested in doing. Maybe I just don't know how to look.

I just got back from a walk with my sister. It is nice that we can do things like that now that we don't live together. I am happy that we are getting along so well and relating more as friends than as kids.

...

Another week, another dollar.

It is already friday again. Time to enjoy the summer for two days. The weather has been great and I have managed to get out a lot lately, which is nice, but I have not been sleeping enough lately which is a bit of a downer. I miss having time off. I wish I could really travel. That one week in June was such a tease, now it is like the summer is over, I have nothing to look forward to. I am really seeing the merits in the French system of a universal one month summer holiday... if only it were realistic in the modern world...

My coworker quit today. He is a cool guy. Leon Kaplan, a Jewish Brazillian writer. I bought his book and was surprised that it is all about his auto biographical main character's encounters with prostitutes and other women. It is a bit shocking in parts, but still a good read. It kept me busy through the afternoon after my area of the office cleared out. He wants to make it as a professional writer... and was not so interested in spending his summer in an office. I admire that, but am unable to emulate it. The office will be a poorer place without him.

I am becoming more aware that Rae is going to Taiwan soon. Do we really only have one month left togther? This does not seem right... I would love to go with her, to travel with her brother and sister in law but the money is not there and my parents would not support it. I am not looking forward to another airport scene... The time between now and then is also marred by the fact that both of us live with our parents and that I am working full time. It has been a month and I still don't know what to do about this... Maybe we should start going away on weekends.

Greg went away to New York and Montreal for a few weeks. I am sure he will have a good time. I saw him on wednesday and we went to 1215 for some sake. He is actually starting to like Vancouver more, if only slightly which is good because he will stay here for at least one more year. On the other hand, I do understand his criticisms of this place, which I share too.

I hope my whole summer is not like this. Not that I don't enjoy it - walking to work, sleeping with my eyes open for eight hours, meeting Noah for a drink and talking about how we are bored with our jobs, watching TV and going to bed far too late - but by now it lacks any novelty or sense of accomplishment. Maybe I should spend more time at the beach... Maybe I should get out of town more... Maybe I should quit my job and be a hippie for a few months... Maybe I am already too old to be thinking these thoughts.