I am done my job!

Six months working at CIBC was not what I was expecting. I guess going into it, I was somewhat naive. Having never had a real job before, I somehow thought that in six months I could accomplish something, get noticed and move up in the company. None of this actually happened. I accomplished small things every day, but since they were more clerical and administrative, they were not really accomplishments to be proud of. I don't know if I got noticed, but I do know that I quickly learned that I should avoid getting noticed. In an office like that, it is best not to stand out too much. On the other hand, I did learn a lot. This being my first job, I learned the basics of working. Showing up every day, fulfilling a role, working with others, etc... I also got to see the incomes and occupations of many people and I got a good sense of the property markets throughout western Canada. Even if this information is not immidiately useful, it has certainly been interesting.

In my last week I trained my replacement Rebecca. She is a nice woman from England who is just re-entering the workforce after having a child. The thing I learned most from the experience of training her in everything I do was that I do a lot of different things in my job. Until that week I had always found the job dreadfully boring, but when it came time to explain everything, I started to see how interesting and varied my job is, compared to what it could be. It also became clear that a very big part of the job is managing my relationships with the underwriters and tailoring my work to meet their preferences and expectations. Of course, this probably just goes with the territory for any "support" job. I am sure that Rebecca will pick everything up quite quickly and proceed to get bored with the job, like I did.

Quitting the job, I realised that my departure date is nearing. Six months in Vancouver have passed so quickly, I hardly realised it was happening. Working a routine job really blurs the days, weeks and months together until you can't remember if something happened yesterday or last month...

This time, unlike every other time, I will be leaving Vancouver indefinately. This time, also unlike every other time, I will not be having a going away party. These two things fill me with regret. I know that I want to come back to Vancouver and that I will find a way to make it happen eventually, but everything I know about the job market and the Canadian economy tells me that I should work in Toronto after I graduate. Once that happens, who knows how long I will stay there or where else besides Vancouver I might end up. I guess having my parents and family here makes it feel like I am not really leaving for good so I have not gotten as nostalgic as I might otherwise get. Of course, I will miss 1215 for its great Japanese food and izakaya atmosphere and I will miss the natural beauty of the place.

The people are something that I should miss more, but since most have already left, I don't associate them with Vancouver anymore anyway. Noah left on friday, my sister and Ashley left on sunday, Milan left a year ago, Gabe left a year ago, Paul left a few months ago, and many other of my friends have left at various times in the last few years to persue other things in the East or overseas. All this gives me the feeling that Vancouver is as much of a city to leave as it is a city to come to...

I saw Carolynn tonight. She is doing well and has found a job that is quite interesting and very responsible. We had a good evening together, it had been a long time. At her apartment she showed me a book about the Tiananmen square protests in 1989. Looking at the pictures, I got the sense that it was such a hopeful movement with optimism and idealism for the future of their country. It was also a movement that sought to bring some humanity back after four decades of crushing communism. Seeing the book made me sad. Not sad for those who died in the protest, or those who's dreams were crushed by the tanks sent in by the government, but sad because these qualities which were present in this generation of students and others are not present in the generations going through their university system now. Carolynn wanted to give me the book because she is "over China", but I can't take it as I am leaving town soon. I am very happy to have seen here and of course happy that she has found a job that is a stepping stone on the career path she wants.

I bought a digital camera yesterday. This purchase was long overdue as I had been relying on Rae's camera to record my life... Maybe I will start posting pictures on my blog in the future...

Two more days until San Francisco... I should probably do some research...

Life goes on.

Last week was a very busy one for work. Ash and Barb were away and Tammy was doing escalations so a lot more stuff fell on my desk. I averaged over 18 files per day, which is a sharp contrast with the usual average of about 11. It was nice to have something to do though, it really does beat the alternative.

Upon telling people that I was leaving I experienced reactions ranging from envy to scorn to good will but mostly indifference. My boss clearly didn't care, which did hurt because I had tried to be a good employee the whole five months I was there. Others were more interested in whether a replacement could be trained in time for my leaving. It confirmed to me that this was not an office in which I wanted to stay. There are some people I will miss, and the stress free lifestyle was nice, but this was always a temporary job so there is no point in being too 舍不得。

Outside of work, I am still busy with my student. Most days, between work and the tutoring, I am exausted by the end of the day and can't do much beyond the basics of reading, watching TV and eating. On the plus side, I don't spend much money this way...

Noah is leaving on friday. I will miss him. It is nice to have a drinking partner who is into izakayas and lives in the neighbourhood. However his going will be a positive in september when it will be cool that he is in Toronto, which will give me another excuse to go there when I get the chance and a local to show me around when I do. Hopefully, living with his parents won't drive him nuts... maybe if they just let him have sex...

Yesterday I was on msn when my old friend from Sydney messaged me to say he was in town. Steve MacLean was in my class in high school at Sydney Academy. After high school he went to Royal Military College in Kingston and studied to be a naval officer. Now he is posted in Victoria and comes to Vancouver once in a while aboard navy ships. We went to the bar on coal harbour and talked a bit about old times and a lot about the military. Somehow, being an officer sounds like a pretty cool life. There is lots of travel, good money, and a pretty clear career path. Although I am pretty sure that is not the life for me, it changed the way I think about the military and its officers.

One more week of work left... and then to San Francisco to see Vincent!

I broke up with Rae. It was a few weeks short of 2 years. A very good 2 years. I can think back at all we did together. All the fun we had, the places we went, the people we met, the experiences we shared...

We both knew it was going to happen. Ever since I got into Queens, she started to pull back. Ever since our first separation when I stayed in China, the relationship was changed. Regardless of all of this breaking up was a very hard thing to do. I wanted to go to Taiwan, I did. I looked into tickets, we made tentative plans, but it was unrealistic, it did not make any sense. I regret telling her and then letting her down... I wanted to believe...

I went over to her house last night at 8. She answered the door, looking beautiful as always. She showed me her new dresses that she got for her brother's wedding. I waited awkwardly on the couch as her mother left the room to pack.

We went for a walk, made small talk and looked for a restaurant. At the restaurant she asked me if I had something to say to her. I could not answer. She said we would always be friends. To keep up appearances in the restaurant, we changed the topic and I talked about the fight between Rachel and Ashley to keep our minds off of the issue at hand. After dinner we walked to the park near her house and sat there on the grass in the darkness. Neither of us wanted to say "break up" but we both knew. We talked about our futures and not our future. It struck me that this was the conversation that we had sort of had but stopped ourselves from having for months. It was every bit as hard as I thought it would be.

We got up and I walked her back to her house. We held hands like always, like we had done for the last two years. I didn't want to reach her street, I didn't want to reach her door. Standing there, we hugged like in Beijing airport, but it wasn't the same. Now nothing could be done. The naive and optomistic hope for the future was not there. Part of me wanted to stay and hold her longer, but the feeling was different. This was not an embrace of love but one of loss. I wished that I had made better use of our time together, that it didn't have to end like this. But at that point, all I wanted was to end that futile and painful moment. We held eachother one last time, and then held hands and let go. I slowly turned to walk away. I looked back and waved. It was over.


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I walked through those familiar streets to the bus stop trying not to think too much about it. I was not thinking that it would be my last time. I had to get away from the silence and darkness and my thoughts so I called Noah. We talked about it. He knew what was going on. I took the bus home and distracted myself by looking out the window. I joined him at 1215 and had some sympathetic sake. It is nice to be a regular at a place I like. Later, on the street I saw Greg. He gave me a big hug and some words of support and went on his way to continue celebtrating Pride. We smoked some pot with a guy we met at 1215 who was back from Japan and wandered around. I got home after 3 and could not sleep until almost 5.

I have to work tomorrow. I have no desire whatsoever go to in. I don't need the money, I can't get a reference and I scorn the place and position. I gave two weeks notice, which I guess I can do, but I am not in the mood... 9 workdays left...