As for me, I still feel as if I have not settled into my life yet. While it is cool to be among so many internationals, I don't feel much of a sense of community. Unlike in Singapore, there are enough international students that people don't just go up and talk with other foreigners on campus. Also, since everyone is there to learn Chinese, I also get the feeling that some people are trying to avoid hanging out with people in an English-speaking environment. This, coupled with a lack of a formal international student social schedual, makes it hard for me to meet people outside of class or my floor. As a result, I have been hanging out with my cool South African roommate mostly and otherwise just being by myself.

The other side of the problem is that I don't feel like I am looking to make friends right now. Although I am very grateful to have a cool roommate and one classmate with whom I get along (the Italian with the great handwriting), I still don't feel like making the effort to go out and be deliberately social. Maybe it is because I feel like I am not new in this city. I somehow manage to confuse familiarity with the city with a sense that I am at home here with an established social network which I don't have. I think another part is that I am emotionally tired after the draining events of the last two weeks. Of course, a big part of it is that I miss you. There is a big gap in my life where you belong and I have not fully come to terms with that.

Yesterday I hung out with Alex and Catlyn. I met them at HouHai where we bought some beer and sat by the edge of the lake to watch the boats go by. It was much better than spending 10 times the price on beer inside the bars because the afternoon was nice and clear for once. Beijing has cooled down a lot since July. The nights are cold and even the daytime wind can be chilly. It feels very strange to me in a city where I have only ever experienced summer.

Alex and Catlyn are settling into their lives as English teachers. They have managed to find lots of work and should each be making around 10000 per month. Despite this, they are still living a very frugal lifestyle, eating only at small local restaruants and avoiding taxis most of the time. They are actually quite enjoying life here with the food, the prices, and the interesting new things around every corner.

Unfortunately, thier enthusiasm for China seems to be quite superficial, just like mine was last year. They are still unable to communicate at all with locals, they have not made any friends, let alone local friends, and they still get a kick out of going to dirty public bathrooms. Further, while they have vague plans to learn some Chinese, I get the feeling from talking to them that they are not very serious about it. They are also discovering that many of the English teachers here are the dregs of the English-speaking world and not worth hanging out with. I just hope that they will be able to start learning enough of the language and making enough friends before the novelty of dirty toilets starts to wear off.

Back to me, I don't really know what my motivation is anymore. It was easy enough last year in Vancouver with you when learning was a joy rather than a chore. Now, I feel that because I don't really like this place, learning a skill that is almost only useful here is either a waste of time or it is condemning me to spend even more time here while I try to recoup my investment. Right now, I know I must go on, but I am starting to lose sight of what I am working for.

In relation to this, I have been thinking about working again while I am in school. On the one hand, I do not particularly like working and my 1100 stipend is probably enough to cover my living expenses here. On the other hand, I might have become accustomed to a lifestyle that requires me to work in order to afford say buying the Economist every week for 55 kuai. So far I have just put off the decision in the hopes that the answer will make its self obvious to me soon enough.