Leaving in 8 hours, bright and early tomorrow morning.
My aunt got married today. It was a beautiful wedding at Sage on the UBC campus. She looked great, happier than I have ever seen her. I wish her and Howard all the best. The wedding meant that lots of family was in from out of town. I like seeing them, it is a good feeling to be a part of a family. My zaida gave a great speech about love which, although directed at Penny and Howard, was really about him and my baba. It was touching to witness.
Last night was my going away party. It was not like past parties, much smaller, no common thread among guests and it was held at 1215, a place I will miss... I must admit I was very happy to see Matt if only because I needed to be reassured that I will survive my MA in econ... Rae did not show up which, although painful to me, was probably better than the alternative. I have not seen her since we have broken up, although I still think about her every day... My new cousin Ethan was there. We drank all night to the toast of "to my new cousin". I hope to see more of him when I go back east as I had always wanted cousins my age... By the end, I had drank enough sake to feel happy.
Still nervous. I don't know why... I guess I felt this way when i went to Singapore... I can't wait until this feeling ends and is replaced by excitement... Classes start soon and I had better get ready...
I can stay at Jared's place until he gets back from the Arctic. This is great for me, but I feel a bit awkward because I don't know his roommates. I will try to stay there as short a time as possible and move into my own place...
I am leaving so much behind. This move feels so permanent. Even though I am going somewhere much closer, the knowledge that I might not be back soon weighs heavily on me. Why did I go to UBC? A school which has given me a Vancouver-based network which I will be abandoning? I should have applied to SFU to stay in Vancouver... I feel so alone in this move... Maybe I should be more like Vincent; going to San Francisco independently to estabilsh a new life... Maybe I don't want to be an expat after all... Maybe moving somewhere that I am not special is harder than moving somewhere that I am... Thinking of myself in the singular has not been hard, but it has not been fun either. Making plans for one is so much less fulfilling... It is not us and excitement, it is me and anxiety...
My parents are renting out the apartment. This is a big burden on me. If my room were to be left untouched and empty until I returned, the thought of leaving might not be the same... Maybe my attitude is wrong; I should be thinking about the MA as a temporary move that can be followed by anything, including a return to a beautiful, familiar Vancouver or an exciting and new Toronto, or anywhere else... They will be going to Paris for a month... tough life... Their lives are theirs and mine is mine...
My next post will be from Kingston... I will be doing something... I won't have so much time to think about all of these things...
This is the end of a very very good gap year, but as with all good things, it has come to an end and I have to move on.
My aunt got married today. It was a beautiful wedding at Sage on the UBC campus. She looked great, happier than I have ever seen her. I wish her and Howard all the best. The wedding meant that lots of family was in from out of town. I like seeing them, it is a good feeling to be a part of a family. My zaida gave a great speech about love which, although directed at Penny and Howard, was really about him and my baba. It was touching to witness.
Last night was my going away party. It was not like past parties, much smaller, no common thread among guests and it was held at 1215, a place I will miss... I must admit I was very happy to see Matt if only because I needed to be reassured that I will survive my MA in econ... Rae did not show up which, although painful to me, was probably better than the alternative. I have not seen her since we have broken up, although I still think about her every day... My new cousin Ethan was there. We drank all night to the toast of "to my new cousin". I hope to see more of him when I go back east as I had always wanted cousins my age... By the end, I had drank enough sake to feel happy.
Still nervous. I don't know why... I guess I felt this way when i went to Singapore... I can't wait until this feeling ends and is replaced by excitement... Classes start soon and I had better get ready...
I can stay at Jared's place until he gets back from the Arctic. This is great for me, but I feel a bit awkward because I don't know his roommates. I will try to stay there as short a time as possible and move into my own place...
I am leaving so much behind. This move feels so permanent. Even though I am going somewhere much closer, the knowledge that I might not be back soon weighs heavily on me. Why did I go to UBC? A school which has given me a Vancouver-based network which I will be abandoning? I should have applied to SFU to stay in Vancouver... I feel so alone in this move... Maybe I should be more like Vincent; going to San Francisco independently to estabilsh a new life... Maybe I don't want to be an expat after all... Maybe moving somewhere that I am not special is harder than moving somewhere that I am... Thinking of myself in the singular has not been hard, but it has not been fun either. Making plans for one is so much less fulfilling... It is not us and excitement, it is me and anxiety...
My parents are renting out the apartment. This is a big burden on me. If my room were to be left untouched and empty until I returned, the thought of leaving might not be the same... Maybe my attitude is wrong; I should be thinking about the MA as a temporary move that can be followed by anything, including a return to a beautiful, familiar Vancouver or an exciting and new Toronto, or anywhere else... They will be going to Paris for a month... tough life... Their lives are theirs and mine is mine...
My next post will be from Kingston... I will be doing something... I won't have so much time to think about all of these things...
This is the end of a very very good gap year, but as with all good things, it has come to an end and I have to move on.
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