Living with my head in the sand.

I know I am leaving on Monday. I know I will be starting a demanding Master's program. I know I should be packing and preparing, not wasting time. I know all of this but I have been doing my best to find any excuse I can to distract me from this imminent and massive change in my life.

Part of me feels a bit empty after the ending of a two year relationship. I feel nervous about starting a new program, studying things that I don't know I was particularly good at in the first place. I still don't have an apartment in Kingston, and I am not sure what I am even looking for.
Somehow I am much more anxious now than I was before my moves to Singapore or Beijing. Everything is serious. I am alone. I am probably not coming back, even if I want to. I am on my own to succeed or fail in a place that is far away, but still relevant to my life. I can no longer be pretending to be an adult by living "independently" in easy places like Asia or semi-independently in my parent's apartment in Vancouver; I have to do it for real. I feel like I am leaving my comfort zone and it is, of course, uncomfortable. The modern world is a lonely place. Maybe I just miss Rae...



Last weekend I went to San Francisco to see Vincent. It was great. San Francisco is a great city and I was so happy to see Vincent. He got a job stupidly high paying job working for a small hedge fund. The job is mostly quant related, doing complex excel models and such things, but he has been enjoying it and especially enjoying the life there. His apartment is in a beautiful Victorian walk-up in the Marina with a great view of the bay and Alcatraz island. The roommates are middle aged bachelors who are very serious about picking up chicks. They are fun people to live with for sure.

Vincent is one of my best friends and through some effort, good luck and coincidence; I have been able to see him in three different cities on two continents over the course of the last year. We have such fun together talking, joking around, and exploring the cities we visit. This time, we spent the weekend walking around in the day and going to bars at night. We took some great pictures of us in heroic poses around the city and especially near the golden gate bridge. I will visit again when I get the chance.

Noah has been staying with me for the last few days. It has been good to have him around because he is going through some of the same uncertainties as me, but unlike me his uncertainties revolve around not knowing what he wants to do for the next year. For me, knowing he will be a few hours away in Toronto would be nice, if that is what he decides to do. He has also helped with the rebound by going with me to meet new girls. That was a skill that had seriously atrophied in the last two years. All the time I spent in this apartment without taking advantage of it...

Now, my aunt's wedding weekend has started. Lots of things to do and lots of relatives to talk to. I am enjoying it, but I can also see where my sister's criticisms come from... Importantly, it is a good distraction for my final weekend here.

Tomorrow I have a going away party. In the end, I decided that having one is better than not. It will be small and the people will be from different parts of my life. I don't know if it will work... In some ways, it is an indictment of the haphazard way I have managed my social life since I have been back. I have not maintained many connections that I had intended to and I have met very few new friends. I guess working 9-5 and not having a driver's license were definite restrictions and having a girlfriend until recently reduced my need for friends for social contact... There have definitely been some hard things about adjusting to post-student life... which should be something to look forward to when I go back to school...