I broke up with Rae. It was a few weeks short of 2 years. A very good 2 years. I can think back at all we did together. All the fun we had, the places we went, the people we met, the experiences we shared...
We both knew it was going to happen. Ever since I got into Queens, she started to pull back. Ever since our first separation when I stayed in China, the relationship was changed. Regardless of all of this breaking up was a very hard thing to do. I wanted to go to Taiwan, I did. I looked into tickets, we made tentative plans, but it was unrealistic, it did not make any sense. I regret telling her and then letting her down... I wanted to believe...
I went over to her house last night at 8. She answered the door, looking beautiful as always. She showed me her new dresses that she got for her brother's wedding. I waited awkwardly on the couch as her mother left the room to pack.
We went for a walk, made small talk and looked for a restaurant. At the restaurant she asked me if I had something to say to her. I could not answer. She said we would always be friends. To keep up appearances in the restaurant, we changed the topic and I talked about the fight between Rachel and Ashley to keep our minds off of the issue at hand. After dinner we walked to the park near her house and sat there on the grass in the darkness. Neither of us wanted to say "break up" but we both knew. We talked about our futures and not our future. It struck me that this was the conversation that we had sort of had but stopped ourselves from having for months. It was every bit as hard as I thought it would be.
We got up and I walked her back to her house. We held hands like always, like we had done for the last two years. I didn't want to reach her street, I didn't want to reach her door. Standing there, we hugged like in Beijing airport, but it wasn't the same. Now nothing could be done. The naive and optomistic hope for the future was not there. Part of me wanted to stay and hold her longer, but the feeling was different. This was not an embrace of love but one of loss. I wished that I had made better use of our time together, that it didn't have to end like this. But at that point, all I wanted was to end that futile and painful moment. We held eachother one last time, and then held hands and let go. I slowly turned to walk away. I looked back and waved. It was over.
************************************************************************************
I walked through those familiar streets to the bus stop trying not to think too much about it. I was not thinking that it would be my last time. I had to get away from the silence and darkness and my thoughts so I called Noah. We talked about it. He knew what was going on. I took the bus home and distracted myself by looking out the window. I joined him at 1215 and had some sympathetic sake. It is nice to be a regular at a place I like. Later, on the street I saw Greg. He gave me a big hug and some words of support and went on his way to continue celebtrating Pride. We smoked some pot with a guy we met at 1215 who was back from Japan and wandered around. I got home after 3 and could not sleep until almost 5.
I have to work tomorrow. I have no desire whatsoever go to in. I don't need the money, I can't get a reference and I scorn the place and position. I gave two weeks notice, which I guess I can do, but I am not in the mood... 9 workdays left...
We both knew it was going to happen. Ever since I got into Queens, she started to pull back. Ever since our first separation when I stayed in China, the relationship was changed. Regardless of all of this breaking up was a very hard thing to do. I wanted to go to Taiwan, I did. I looked into tickets, we made tentative plans, but it was unrealistic, it did not make any sense. I regret telling her and then letting her down... I wanted to believe...
I went over to her house last night at 8. She answered the door, looking beautiful as always. She showed me her new dresses that she got for her brother's wedding. I waited awkwardly on the couch as her mother left the room to pack.
We went for a walk, made small talk and looked for a restaurant. At the restaurant she asked me if I had something to say to her. I could not answer. She said we would always be friends. To keep up appearances in the restaurant, we changed the topic and I talked about the fight between Rachel and Ashley to keep our minds off of the issue at hand. After dinner we walked to the park near her house and sat there on the grass in the darkness. Neither of us wanted to say "break up" but we both knew. We talked about our futures and not our future. It struck me that this was the conversation that we had sort of had but stopped ourselves from having for months. It was every bit as hard as I thought it would be.
We got up and I walked her back to her house. We held hands like always, like we had done for the last two years. I didn't want to reach her street, I didn't want to reach her door. Standing there, we hugged like in Beijing airport, but it wasn't the same. Now nothing could be done. The naive and optomistic hope for the future was not there. Part of me wanted to stay and hold her longer, but the feeling was different. This was not an embrace of love but one of loss. I wished that I had made better use of our time together, that it didn't have to end like this. But at that point, all I wanted was to end that futile and painful moment. We held eachother one last time, and then held hands and let go. I slowly turned to walk away. I looked back and waved. It was over.
************************************************************************************
I walked through those familiar streets to the bus stop trying not to think too much about it. I was not thinking that it would be my last time. I had to get away from the silence and darkness and my thoughts so I called Noah. We talked about it. He knew what was going on. I took the bus home and distracted myself by looking out the window. I joined him at 1215 and had some sympathetic sake. It is nice to be a regular at a place I like. Later, on the street I saw Greg. He gave me a big hug and some words of support and went on his way to continue celebtrating Pride. We smoked some pot with a guy we met at 1215 who was back from Japan and wandered around. I got home after 3 and could not sleep until almost 5.
I have to work tomorrow. I have no desire whatsoever go to in. I don't need the money, I can't get a reference and I scorn the place and position. I gave two weeks notice, which I guess I can do, but I am not in the mood... 9 workdays left...
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home